


Drowning

by arcanebf



Series: It's Just an Email [8]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Datteo, Davenzi, Love Simon AU, M/M, Matteo POV, some sweet vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 04:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18793159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcanebf/pseuds/arcanebf
Summary: There was a moment where Matteo felt like he was just going to book it, but he pulled out his phone and opened the gmail app. It was his turn to reply to Adam. After Adam’s last message, after he had texted Jonas, he had spent half the night researching different things. He looked up what ‘cishet’ meant, learning that cis was short for ‘cisgender’, a term that referred to people that cisgender meant people who identified with their assigned gender, people like Matteo. ‘Het’ was short for heterosexual, straight people. They were the default. Matteo found himself deep in a hole after that, on different LGBT resource pages trying to figure out the in’s and out’s of the community that he was going to make himself a part of. Matteo had never been this proactive about anything in his life, but again, Adam had made him want to be a better person.





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> WE OUT HERE, TODAY'S SCENE WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, I'M THRIVING I'M LIVING Y'ALL THE CLIP TODAY WAS BEAUTIFUL, HAVE SOME KIND OF SOFT KINDA SAD BOY MOODS

Matteo stood outside the coffee shop, despite the fact that it was raining. He could go wait inside but that didn’t feel right to him in the moment. He needed to feel the rain on his skin, streaming down his face like tears he wasn’t able to cry himself. Matteo usually hated the rain, it reminded him too much of the water that weighed down on him everyday but for some reason today it had made him feel more alive. He was aware of everything he was feeling, the good and the bad was mixing into one, washing away the grime on his skin and personality and leaving just Matteo.

His eyes jumped from passerby to passerby, wondering what their lives were like. Wondering if everyone in the world was suffering as much as he was or if he was all alone. He checked the time, he was early from anxiety but he had begun wondering if Jonas was even going to show up. He hadn’t been a flake as much recently, but some days he Jonas had just as hard a time leaving bed as he did. He was getting nervous, he bounced from foot to foot, itching to do something. He could just leave, text Jonas that he had gotten sick and didn’t feel like seeing anyone today. It wouldn’t have been a full lie after all. Matteo was sick, just not the way people expecting him to be.

There was a moment where Matteo felt like he was just going to book it, but he pulled out his phone and opened the gmail app. It was his turn to reply to Adam. After Adam’s last message, after he had texted Jonas, he had spent half the night researching different things. He looked up what ‘cishet’ meant, learning that cis was short for ‘cisgender’, a term that referred to people that cisgender meant people who identified with their assigned gender, people like Matteo. ‘Het’ was short for heterosexual, straight people. They were the default. Matteo found himself deep in a hole after that, on different LGBT resource pages trying to figure out the in’s and out’s of the community that he was going to make himself a part of. Matteo had never been this proactive about anything in his life, but again, Adam had made him want to be a better person.  


 

 **FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 19 at 10:42

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_Hey Adam,_

_You’re right, there shouldn’t be a default. You’ve inspired me, by the way. I’m coming out to my best friend today. I’m tired of hiding and being afraid and fearing that I’m just going to be rejected. I’m tired of drowning, Adam._

_I promise I won’t say anything about you. But… God, I don’t know, Adam. It’s dumb and stupid and I know I have no clue what you look like and we don’t know each other but, we do. You know me better than anyone in my life does. You might know me better than I know myself._

_And I know it sounds crazy but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you._

_Warmly, Luigi_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBex3_cuD9I_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBex3_cuD9I)

  


Matteo slumped back against the wall outside the coffee shop, staring at his phone, rereading the email he just sent. Over and over and over, his eyes bore into the last line. _I know it sounds crazy but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you_. Matteo had never in his life been that upfront with someone, he had always avoided any concept of intimacy, he avoided being honest about his feelings. Matteo was not the kind of guy to strive for what he wanted, he would just settle for what he thought he deserved.

“Hey man,” Jonas’ familiar voice rang through Matteo’s ears. He looked to his side and a lopsided smile pulled onto his face.

“Hey man,” Matteo said, going in to hug his friend. Jonas looked a little surprised, but he hugged him back nonetheless. He gave him a squeeze. When they pulled apart, Matteo was still smiling. He could do this, he didn’t feel like he was full of dread.

“You’re very wet.”

“What about it?”

The two stepped inside the coffeeshop and Matteo felt his body start to warm up immediately. There was a warm glow to the place, soft chatter from various patrons, and quiet music playing. It was upbeat, bounced, it reminded him of the bubble of hope inside his lungs. He listened closer as they waited in line, knowing he could recognize the tune, but unsure of where he had heard it. Finally, they got their drinks and Matteo lead them to a back corner of the shop. He wanted to be away from other people to avoid any unnecessary chatter, trying to talk over anyone being louder. Not because he wanted to be secretive but because this was the first time that Matteo was being this open with his best friend.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Jonas asked, leaning back in his chair. Matteo leaned on his elbows and gave a small shrug, though the smile was still on his face. “Don’t shrug, Luigi, c’mon. We’re being bros.”

“Bros with hot cocoa?”

“Bros with cocoa who are going to talk about some deep shit apparently.”

“Alright, alright. Just… It’s going to take a little for me to say everything… The way I need to say it, so bear with me, alright?” Matteo said, his voice softer now. He wasn’t backing down, he just needed the space. Hans had known how hard it was for Matteo, Jonas had no clue what he was about to say. Jonas nodded and leaned forward on the table as well, closing the gap between them. They were friends, Jonas was practically Matteo’s brother. It was going to be fine. He understood him. “Jonas, I… I’m gay. I like guys, I’m gay.”

“Cool.” Jonas said, a smile tugging at his lips. “Do you like anyone?”

“Uh, yeah. I don’t want to say too much just yet, I don’t want to jinx it. It feels special.”

“Let me know when I can know. I want to be in the loop again, Luigi, you’re my best friend. You’re practically my brother. I’d go to the ends of the earth for you, dude.”

“Yeah, of course. I’m… I’m trying. I don’t know a lot about myself and what’s going on but I’m trying to get comfortable with what I do know about myself.” Matteo said, he didn’t know how else to explain it. He knew he needed to work to get better, there were a lot of steps he had to take and he was terrified of it.

“I’m here for you, Luigi.”

“Cool.”

“Hey, I love you, man, alright? Nothing will ever change that.” Jonas reached out and gave Matteo’s shoulder a small punch.

“I…” Matteo smiled. “I love you too, man.” Matteo sighed, seeming to let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. What was to come was scary, uncharted waters. He was trying to swim out of the inky blue black waters and let himself float again. Trying to breathe again.

***

 **FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 19 at 15:32

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Breathtaking

 

_I’m really, really proud of you, Luigi._

_Warmly, Adam_

[ **Image Attached:** There is a pink figure with rainbows painted on non-existent cheeks, it holds a large pride flag in its hands. The flag is flowing in the wind, there are lines of rainbow color vibrating around the figure and the flag. There is a second figure, drawn in yellow with lines of pink and blue and white vibrating off of it, giving the yellow figure a hug, arms around the waist.]

  


Matteo sat on his balcony, staring at the email, letting the fresh air wash over him. It had stopped raining, it still felt wet though. The air around him was thick and overbearing, holding a chill to it that mimicked the depths he was found in. But he didn’t feel heavy because of it, he still had air, he still felt hopeful. Matteo saved the image to his phone, he loved it so much. He didn’t understand it entirely but he understood some parts of it. The pink figure was supposed to be him, he knew that, it was him, waving a massive pride flag. He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be that kind of guy, but he was going to be more open from now on. He didn’t want to hide anything. He had a feeling that his secrets had been weighing him down, they were part of the reason he only seemed to sink deeper and deeper into the depths of his ocean. The yellow figure, Matteo assumed was supposed to be Adam. He didn’t understand the colors surrounding Adam, though he knew he had seen them _somewhere_ before. He made a mental note to look it up later. For now, he would stare at the email, stare at the picture, try to figure out what all of this meant.

Something about the picture made him want to see it all the time, he loved all of Adam’s art but this was something entirely new. Without really thinking about it, he closed out of the gmail app and within seconds, the new drawing was his phone background. Sometime just for Matteo, no one ever looked at his phone anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. And that way, maybe if he looked at it enough it might fully click what it had meant. He was pulled out of his concentration though as a new text notification popped up on his screen.  


**Mama**   
_Hope your studies are going well, I love you, Matteo._ _  
_ _Will I be seeing you soon?_

 

Matteo felt his heart sink deep into his chest. He hadn’t spoken to his mom in such a long time, he knew he had too. He was just scared, he was hiding, he didn’t want to disappoint her and Matteo just knew he was going too. He wasn’t anything close to what she had dreamed for him when he was young. It took a moment for Matteo to allow himself to come back to reality. He almost wanted to call her then and there and tell her everything, distance himself from her and allow it all to happen naturally, but he couldn’t imagine telling her without telling her about Adam. Matteo didn’t want to break Adam’s privacy, but if he was going to tell his mom he was gay, he knew he had to tell her about Adam.

The boy that Matteo was too busy trying not to fall in love with, even though no matter how hard he tried to ignore his feelings, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was falling in love with someone that didn’t exist. He wanted to chase the high of Adam’s emails, where he would rise close to the surface, see sunbeams breaking through the waves, without the aftereffects where he would crash, sinking back down into the depths, letting the black, monstrous tendrils wrap around his limbs, dragging him in. Matteo didn’t know what to do with himself, he had never felt this lovesick in his life, not even when he was pining after Jonas. There was nothing to do, nowhere to go, no way to process all of the things he was feeling at once, which he hated. He felt everything so intensely. His phone let off the familiar _ping!_ And Matteo quickly opened the new email.

  


**FROM:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **TO:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 19 at 16:03

 **SUBJECT:** Space

 

_Hey Luigi,_

_I really need to study so I might be radio silent for a few days, but I’m still around. I’ll reply to everything you tell me later, I promise. But I need some space, I think. Mostly to focus on school but also I need to think some things over._

_Regarding you and me, because I realized that you know me better than anyone else does too. I don’t know who you are but I want too so badly. I have to figure out what that means to me first, okay?_

_I’m still here though. I am. Just… Give me a couple days._

_Love, Adam_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juTxyGbb5T0_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juTxyGbb5T0)

  


**FROM:** cheesietoasted@gmail.com

 **TO:** maybeineternity@gmail.com

 **DATE:** April 19 at 16:19

 **SUBJECT:** RE: Space

 

_Hi Adam,_

_Okay. Let me know… I care about you a lot. I want to know who you are, I want to know what this is, what all of this means…_

_Love, Luigi_

_P.S._ [ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hkL4zDCKhs_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hkL4zDCKhs)

There was a sinking feeling in his chest, the hope had left. He no longer felt light, full of love, like he could reach the surface. Tears stung Matteo’s eyes and he wiped at them quickly, trying to ignore the fact that he felt like he had been punched in the chest. What had spurred this choice? Why did Adam want distance? He had _just_ emailed saying how proud he was, everything seemed fine. Matteo was almost sure that Adam was going to say they should meet, or that they needed to start giving clues. Or something, anything. He didn’t want to feel like he was constantly torn between having Adam and losing him.

Matteo could tell his mind was spiralling and usually, he would message Adam about this, they would talk over their feelings and how they tried to deal with them, but he couldn’t this time. He wasn’t sure if he should talk to Jonas about it either, and he didn’t want to tell Hans. And the ‘love’ at the end of the message, he couldn’t get over it. _Love, Adam,_ the words rang through his mind. Love Adam? He already did, he had fallen for him so easily, he loved him. And Adam needed distance, Matteo didn’t know who to talk about that with, he didn’t know how to handle it.

After what had felt like minutes maybe, Matteo moved back inside his room, closing the balcony behind him. His room was dark though, the time on his phone read 21:47. He had sat out there, stuck in his own thoughts for hours, he didn’t even realize. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t tired, his mind just kept running. Trying to rationalize everything that had happened. He had flipped between ‘everything will be okay’ to ‘I’m going to lose Adam’ with every other thought, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to handle his emotions. He just sank deeper.

Matteo sat down in his armchair and methodically, slowly started to prepare a joint. He just wanted to calm down his thoughts, if he could do that, then maybe he could figure this out. It was a ritual for him, he was careful so long as he wasn’t having a panic attack and rushing to get the drug in his system, he actually did a decent job. He lit the end and fell back into the chair, his gaze settling on his laptop. He wanted to be angry with Adam, he really did, but he understood as well. Matteo had never been in tune with his feelings, right now was a great indicator of that, he was angry that this had to happen. He wished it could be like in a coming of age movie. They would have their space, they could be stressed, sad, spiralling, but in just a few minutes, everything would pick up and they could fix themselves. In the end, they’d get their cheesy happily ever after where they kissed in the rain or on a rooftop underneath the light of the moon. But this wasn’t a movie, things weren’t perfect, Matteo would have to wait for that happy end to come, and he couldn’t be sure that it would.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope y'all enjoyed this part ! i had a lot of fun writing it and i'm really enjoying your responses.  
> let me know what you think as always <3  
> tumblr is @filmictrans :)


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